I am feeling.....

Well, maybe a lot of you dunno me well,
dunno how I felt
and dunno how I tend to dwell.

I feel crapped up enough now and things just ain't going well.
I try to sooth myself, telling me I'm better now,
But everything just ain't working well.

It sticks like glue,
Gets washed away with water,
Which proves everything just not strong.

The bond is weak, and now as I wondered if stars are what they seem.
I look up the sky and I don't understand,
Why do stars seems prettier when they're actually smaller than the moon.
How they got so bright, such that they can guide me through my lost night.

Now I ask myself, after I stared into the mirror for five whole minutes,
Maybe I am inferior,
I think I am useless.
Maybe I don't fit in,
I think this is not where I should be.

The sense of belonging is just not there for me yet,
And sometimes I feel so whacked out that I hope no one bothers me.
I try to stop myself from thinking,
But everything I stop working,
These thoughts just start to pour in.

Is this what you call depression?
Is this what depression really is?
I have no idea but to ask myself this.
Why I have to go through all these,
Putting on a mask with a fake plastic arch smile,
Then seems to bend so much that I think now I'm blind.
Maybe it's a good tool for me to cover up my frown,
Maybe it's just a good way to fool everyone around.
I am in a complete lost of what I experimenting this time.

I feel so tired now, as I feel unwell.
I feel so giddy, as my headache starts to cast a spell.
I move away from work desk, but it don't seem to help.
Maybe the only way something would work,
Is for me to call for help.

But who can really bother and pull me up?
When what I know is that only I can help myself.
I refuse helping hands because I don't want them to be futile.
I don't want to waste people's time and energy,
Just to make myself feel better.
You may think it's hypocrisy,
But truly, that's what coming from me.

Now I'm really confused,
I can't seem to think.
Perhaps it's my lethargy,
That blocks everything.
Xin An, wake up now, for you ain't gonna sleep.