No more.

No one comes. I will be closing this soon. In maybe 2 weeks time. Goodbye.

Wtf?

Just what the fuck is wrong with me now? I used to be undaunted by challenges. Now I'm succumbing to one more subject with stress. Shit. I need to prepare myself better.

Thank you.

This post is done while I'm still halfway through my 剪报. I was really sick of it and chanced upon Kang Jie's blog with a whole chunk of 'Thank You' and so I got suddenly motivated to start this post.

Well, so I must say, 2009 went pretty fast, faster than previous years. Things are sorta a lil too fast for me to catch and I guess I really regret procrastinating stuffs that led me to the current state of my studies. I guess I haven't been studying well this year and I'm perhaps having problems coping, but still, I wanna try to hold on and pull through. Guess I should start working hard now. There's really a whole list of people I wanna thank and I think if i'm going to list them all out, this post would never be finished. So maybe I would just thank the few more important people be it if they will be reading this or not.

So here goes:

To Mum and Dad. I know I haven't been really obedient and I'm a badass son for the past few years ever since I entered my teenage years. You guys put up so much with me and disciplined me so much. I admit I was in the wrong sometimes and thank you for pointing out my mistakes and for the disciplinary actions taken out against me but sometimes I really do feel wrong. I don't want to continue here as this is a thank you post but not a complain letter. I know you will not be reading this but still, thank you so much.

To Sisters. Yeah. The two of you probably won't know about my blog also but who cares. Thank you so much for helping me through times that I was fucked up and stuff and also thank you for the fights that kept me entertained when I was bored. I know this sounds sadistic but it's true(:

To the teachers. Thank you so much for guiding me through my studies, clearing my doubts at times, but frankly, sometimes I sorta hate you guys for throwing bullshit at us. I know you all will not be reading this too but still, thanks for all the work, scoldings and punishments that made us really grew up.

To Cedric. I know you'll also not be reading this, most probably I guess, but thanks so much for the times you had put up with me when I was down and pissed and especially when I picked fights with you. Looking back, those were just a whole lot of childish and immature acts that really shouldn't have happened and I shouldn't have experimented. Thank you so much for trying to cheer me up when I was down, giving me advice when I was lost and also the time that you spent hanging out with me. I miss those times when CCA stood down and we would go to Lot One almost every other day after school for lunch. I miss those ice fights and really cool talks that we had. Thank you so much for those.

To Celeste. My table partner for half a year I guess. Well, a pretty funny and crappy time for that half year. Lots of things happened I guess and thanks for putting up with me at times when I was down and I would grumble/complain. You're a good friend for the past 1 year plus which I think would be hitting 2. Thanks for all the chats we had, be it on msn, SMS or on the phone late at night. Those times would never be forgotten I guess.

To Weiixen. My table partner for the other half of the year. YOU ARE A JOKER. A big one. Your crazy/funny antics really is very funny. I know you're also probably not reading this too. But you're really one big smartass. Thanks so much for helping with the work I don't know how to do and also guiding me through things I wasn't sure of. And most importantly, thank you so much for keeping me awake with your super lame and cold jokes that made me laugh so hard and giggle. But somehow, our seats wasn't changed. Cool times eh? Thank you(:

To the friends I made this year. Yeah. Quite a lot to list down for I don't know what reason. Haha. Thanks so much for being my new friend(: Talking to me. Chatting, keeping me entertained and perhaps sharing those uber cool videos on youtubes and jokes(: Thanks so much.

To the everyone else. Thank you for walking with me if you had, for every single little things that we had done together. Thank you.

To everyone who trusted me. I thank you sincerely, from the bottom of my heart. Thanks for putting your trust on me. I know it's difficult to trust people so thank you so much. Thanks.

To myself. Yeah. I think I gotta thank myself too. Thank you for growing up and learning new things. Thank you for all the things I bought for myself. Thanks so much. And good job for handling all the bullshit thrown to me, for enduring with things that I used to not be able to put up with. Thanks.

Yeah. I guess that's about it. Well, I'm sorry if your name is not specifically mentioned here but there's really too much. I'm sorry and thank you. Good luck for the year ahead and stay in the pink of health, people(: Merry Christmas and a very early Happy New Year. :D

I feel like diss-ing someone. I don't know who. -.-

This post gon' be random,
For I not know who the target is,
For I not know how I wanna go about this diss.


This is for no-
One, just guns pointing anyone.
No wait I just thought of someone.

Frankly I tell now I'm stressed.
I'm pissed, I feel my fist.
I've had enough of this.

Why you wanna live with all those avoidance.
I see them all as hypocrisy.
Why you make me tell someone something-
Which never ever mattered much to me?
Why you make me feel so caught up between?
Don't you have a lil' bit of sympathy?
Why is it always me that have to clear all this shit?
Is it you making use of me?
How did I succeed in putting up with all these?
I don't know how to handle things-
Thinks people all around,
Go all around making me like a badass all time round.
And when I try to empty my heart out here, I hear voices saying that I'm loud-
Pow. Knock out. There goes Xin An down and out. Never heard, seen, felt. Coz someone just squeezed his fucking balls out.

Super Bored.

So. Avatar today. Not a bad movie. Shan't go into details. Crapped a lot. Anyway, was damn super bored until cannot bored on the MRT back. So started to look at the notices and I took three and below I'm going to tell you why.1)

How do we alight when we have to keep clear of the doors??

2)

We can't put our hand on the sliding door. When the door is sliding, how can we rest our hands on it? The door would just slide off.

3)

Tell me what the train runs on.

Okay. I know I'm SUPER but hey. I WAS SUPER BORED AND NOTHING BETTER TO DO KAY?!

Done posting. Bye.

For anyone out there.

I've fallen at this point whereby,
I, just fill I'm in a dark pit, total bullshit, nothing that really can explain what this it.
My mind's twirling, and I can't seem to get them in line no more.
I told myself to let go but why I feel things became so close.
I put myself on hold, told myself I ain't pro but I still have to learn how to let things roll.

I lost my mind now I feel I'm in the sky, no not high just the feeling I might die.
I don't know why and I will not cry, because I feel like downing Cyanide.
I've to pull, I cannot stop. I don't have time to think, I have to get everything up quick.
I feel like a prick now because I can't tell all these shit.

Give me a break. I'm choking because I'm hanging.

Homework

English: Compo(going to do now), The Baking Desert(Do tomorrow)
Math: Heymath test, Textbook Exercise
Chinese: 4jian baos and 1 book gan xiang (totally haven't touch the book)

Sigh

I was watching Tom and Jerry when I realized how good it is to be young and innocent as a kid, able to laugh at anything, including those stupidest every jokes..

No more.

Perhaps from now on, I'll only be posting when I'm feeling out and down, high and dry. So better hope I won't update often. But please tag more. When you can't reach me, the box there is for a reason.

Bored bored and bored.

Feeling bored recently and I don't know why.
Things have suddenly came to a stop but stopping means starting of a new beginning.
I suddenly lost track of what I was trying to go about because my mind's preoccupied with something else.
Something I kept trying to figure out but always futile.
I don't know how to continue anymore.
Good bye.

Drunk with hate, blind by wrath. It's gonna be a rough ride this time round.

I think the decision is made but why am I so fickle?
I keep telling myself that this is simple,
But I can't seem to forget and let go.

It's about time to release this,
Maybe I can feel more happiness within.
It may help me to smile more,
And not frown as much anymore.

I want to say something.
I want to convey this.
Not everything is easy,
Especially this.
I feel pain.
I feel upset.
It's not that I'm heartless,
I try to be numb,
But it don't work anymore.

I don't know what's this about anymore.
Good Night and Good Bye.

I am feeling.....

Well, maybe a lot of you dunno me well,
dunno how I felt
and dunno how I tend to dwell.

I feel crapped up enough now and things just ain't going well.
I try to sooth myself, telling me I'm better now,
But everything just ain't working well.

It sticks like glue,
Gets washed away with water,
Which proves everything just not strong.

The bond is weak, and now as I wondered if stars are what they seem.
I look up the sky and I don't understand,
Why do stars seems prettier when they're actually smaller than the moon.
How they got so bright, such that they can guide me through my lost night.

Now I ask myself, after I stared into the mirror for five whole minutes,
Maybe I am inferior,
I think I am useless.
Maybe I don't fit in,
I think this is not where I should be.

The sense of belonging is just not there for me yet,
And sometimes I feel so whacked out that I hope no one bothers me.
I try to stop myself from thinking,
But everything I stop working,
These thoughts just start to pour in.

Is this what you call depression?
Is this what depression really is?
I have no idea but to ask myself this.
Why I have to go through all these,
Putting on a mask with a fake plastic arch smile,
Then seems to bend so much that I think now I'm blind.
Maybe it's a good tool for me to cover up my frown,
Maybe it's just a good way to fool everyone around.
I am in a complete lost of what I experimenting this time.

I feel so tired now, as I feel unwell.
I feel so giddy, as my headache starts to cast a spell.
I move away from work desk, but it don't seem to help.
Maybe the only way something would work,
Is for me to call for help.

But who can really bother and pull me up?
When what I know is that only I can help myself.
I refuse helping hands because I don't want them to be futile.
I don't want to waste people's time and energy,
Just to make myself feel better.
You may think it's hypocrisy,
But truly, that's what coming from me.

Now I'm really confused,
I can't seem to think.
Perhaps it's my lethargy,
That blocks everything.
Xin An, wake up now, for you ain't gonna sleep.

Blah

I officially screwed up my English paper. Marks the destruction of the whole EOY grade. Argh.

Fuck it.

I HAVE LEARNT THAT THIS IS NOT WHERE I WANT TO BE. I'LL TAKE MY LEAVE AT A VERY OPPORTUNITY AND NOTHING IS GOING TO STOP ME. FUCK IT.

Confused, Contented or Conned?

Imagine yourself falling off from a building itself, not to mention the resistance that you are getting at your face. That is what sometimes I feel but I don't know how to express it everytime. I don't know what should my next move be because I am really confused. Sometimes just being this way makes me contented because things don't really need a change and everyone is happy being like this. At times I feel like I'm being conned because things are really vague and blur to me that I can't seem to comprehend and understand things that goes on around and about me.
Now that I feel I am pulling out, but what I wanted at first was to not give up. Maybe things are not really what they seem, maybe situations may be more than what they really mean and maybe some stuffs are in the presence as the snake and never meant to be.
When you start to see yourself close to the ground and about to land face down, you may start to regret but in your mind and in your heart, you know it well that all these is too late to restart.

The Hate Mail

Well here comes revolution
When I start to go against the constitution
And now I am so pissed I feel like kicking some people into prostitution.

There are whores around acting like they control the whole
What they don't see is what goes on because they don't look into the hole
All they see is just the whole
And this is making me tear up all big and small fucking holes.

What I have now seen
Have slowly make me become mean
I don't ever want to give anymore hint
Because you've all turn me into this me.

You gonna find this inhumane me
Tearing up upon me through these fucking skins
And now the small little decent me
Is just what you gonna miss
Because it is hiden beneath all the sins
And yes all the sins that I may soon commit.

I might be on a spree to go around rampaging
When people try to throw fucked up shit at me
I stop getting pissed
Instead I keep all up and wait for my chance to get crazy
Because on that day these fuckers gonna know what revolution means.

Time shall reveal everything
So please be patient and wait for the revelation.

Beautiful - Eminem

I'm just so fuckin' depressed
I just can seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump
I took my bruises, took my lumps
Fell down and I got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched back up
In order for me to pick that mic back up
I don't know how or, why or when,I ended up in this position
I'm inI starting to feel distant again
So I decided just to pick this pen
Up and tried to make an attempt to vent
But I just can't admit
Or come to grips, with the fact that
I may be done with rap
I need a new outlet
I know some shits so hard to swallow
And I just can't sit back and wallowIn my own sorrow
But I know one fact
I'll be one tough act to follow
One tough act to follow
I'll be one tough act to follow
Here today, gone tomorrow
But you have to walk a thousand miles

Chorus

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what It'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others mind
Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each others eyes
But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked.
Just stay true to you

I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor
Everything is so tense and gloom
I almost feel like I gotta check the temperature in the room
Just as soon as I walk inIt's like all eyes on me
So I try to avoid any eye contact
Cause if I do that then it opens a door to conversation
Like I want that...I'm not looking for extra attention
I just want to be just like you
Blend in with the rest of the room
Maybe just point me to the closest restroom
I don't need no fucking man servant
Tryna follow me around, and wipe my ass
Laugh at every single joke I crack
And half of them ain't even funny like
Haa! Marshall, you're so funny man, you should be a comedian, god damn
Unfortunately I am, I just hide behind the tears of a clown
So why don't you all sit down
Listen to the tale I'm about to tell
Hell, we don't have to trade our shoes
And you don't have to walk no thousand miles

Chorus

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
All be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what It'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others mind
Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each others eyes
But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you so
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you

Nobody asked for life to deal us
With these bullshit hands we're dealt
We gotta take these cards ourselves
And flip them, don't expect no help
Now I could have either just
Sat on my ass and pissed and moaned
But take this situation in which I'm placed in
And get up and get my ownI was never the type of kid
To wait by the door and pack his bags
Or sat on the porch and hoped and pray
For a dad to show up who never did
I just wanted to fit inIn every single place
Every school I wentI dreamed of being that cool kid
Even if it meant acting stupid
Aunt Edna always told me
Keep making that face it'll stuck like that
Meanwhile I'm just standing there
Holding my tongue trying to talk like this
Till I stuck my tongue on that frozen stop sign poll at 8 years old
I learned my lesson then cause I wasn't tryin to impress my friends no more
But I already told you my whole life story
Not just based on my description
Cause where you see it from where you're sitting
Is probably 110% different
I guess we would have to walk a mile
In each others shoes, at least
What size you where?
I wear tens
Let's see if you can fit your feet

Chorus

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
All be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what It'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others mind
Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each others eyes
But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you so
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you

Maybe what you're seeing is a phantom me.

I sit on my porch and think,
Thinking about how I used to be.
I can never learn from my mistakes I guess,
Or maybe I do sometimes but things ain't right this time.

Maybe I was born a rebel,
Maybe that's what I really am.
I dun like people telling me what to do and controlling me like a puppet,
Because I only wish for a life by my own.
A pull at times are appreciated but not when people just keep screwing with you.

Hard cold facts came down hard,
And I mean hard enough to smash you apart.

Now I'm frustrated and shit,
My temper is getting the better of me.
I feel it's impossible for me to talk to anyone with peace now.
Because I lack of peace myself now,
And I'm really so damn pissed.

I tell myself to study,
And I end up playing.
I can't see myself studying,
Because I myself am not a motivational thing.

I try to find joy today in doing things.
But things just don't go well today for me.
Maybe declination and depressing times are setting in,
I guess I have no choice but to let it be.

I am still bored.

As I lay back and rest,
I feel the weight get heavier on my chest.
I tried to do my very best,
And now I feel like thrash.

Reason why I tried to be high as I can,
Is coz the feeling is like drugs that let me feel best.

I don't wanna carry on no more because I think I'm not in the mood to.
Anyways I think I shall leave everything to end here and I officially take my leave.
And maybe I will never be what I was in the past coz I changed my dream.

Really bored the fuck out.

I tried to say goodbye,
But I got no reply.
I wonder if one day I die,
Who will really cry.

Now that I had a stitch,
Due to my heart that had a glitch,
I got myself a brand new creed,
That I never get knocked down over by another bitch.

Because now I have realised that much,
What he said about sluts,
Now the words are starting to act up.

I never believed those statements,
But I guess now I've no choice but to.
Though I know I still can't get over you.