Bored bored and bored.

Feeling bored recently and I don't know why.
Things have suddenly came to a stop but stopping means starting of a new beginning.
I suddenly lost track of what I was trying to go about because my mind's preoccupied with something else.
Something I kept trying to figure out but always futile.
I don't know how to continue anymore.
Good bye.

Drunk with hate, blind by wrath. It's gonna be a rough ride this time round.

I think the decision is made but why am I so fickle?
I keep telling myself that this is simple,
But I can't seem to forget and let go.

It's about time to release this,
Maybe I can feel more happiness within.
It may help me to smile more,
And not frown as much anymore.

I want to say something.
I want to convey this.
Not everything is easy,
Especially this.
I feel pain.
I feel upset.
It's not that I'm heartless,
I try to be numb,
But it don't work anymore.

I don't know what's this about anymore.
Good Night and Good Bye.

I am feeling.....

Well, maybe a lot of you dunno me well,
dunno how I felt
and dunno how I tend to dwell.

I feel crapped up enough now and things just ain't going well.
I try to sooth myself, telling me I'm better now,
But everything just ain't working well.

It sticks like glue,
Gets washed away with water,
Which proves everything just not strong.

The bond is weak, and now as I wondered if stars are what they seem.
I look up the sky and I don't understand,
Why do stars seems prettier when they're actually smaller than the moon.
How they got so bright, such that they can guide me through my lost night.

Now I ask myself, after I stared into the mirror for five whole minutes,
Maybe I am inferior,
I think I am useless.
Maybe I don't fit in,
I think this is not where I should be.

The sense of belonging is just not there for me yet,
And sometimes I feel so whacked out that I hope no one bothers me.
I try to stop myself from thinking,
But everything I stop working,
These thoughts just start to pour in.

Is this what you call depression?
Is this what depression really is?
I have no idea but to ask myself this.
Why I have to go through all these,
Putting on a mask with a fake plastic arch smile,
Then seems to bend so much that I think now I'm blind.
Maybe it's a good tool for me to cover up my frown,
Maybe it's just a good way to fool everyone around.
I am in a complete lost of what I experimenting this time.

I feel so tired now, as I feel unwell.
I feel so giddy, as my headache starts to cast a spell.
I move away from work desk, but it don't seem to help.
Maybe the only way something would work,
Is for me to call for help.

But who can really bother and pull me up?
When what I know is that only I can help myself.
I refuse helping hands because I don't want them to be futile.
I don't want to waste people's time and energy,
Just to make myself feel better.
You may think it's hypocrisy,
But truly, that's what coming from me.

Now I'm really confused,
I can't seem to think.
Perhaps it's my lethargy,
That blocks everything.
Xin An, wake up now, for you ain't gonna sleep.

Blah

I officially screwed up my English paper. Marks the destruction of the whole EOY grade. Argh.

Fuck it.

I HAVE LEARNT THAT THIS IS NOT WHERE I WANT TO BE. I'LL TAKE MY LEAVE AT A VERY OPPORTUNITY AND NOTHING IS GOING TO STOP ME. FUCK IT.

Confused, Contented or Conned?

Imagine yourself falling off from a building itself, not to mention the resistance that you are getting at your face. That is what sometimes I feel but I don't know how to express it everytime. I don't know what should my next move be because I am really confused. Sometimes just being this way makes me contented because things don't really need a change and everyone is happy being like this. At times I feel like I'm being conned because things are really vague and blur to me that I can't seem to comprehend and understand things that goes on around and about me.
Now that I feel I am pulling out, but what I wanted at first was to not give up. Maybe things are not really what they seem, maybe situations may be more than what they really mean and maybe some stuffs are in the presence as the snake and never meant to be.
When you start to see yourself close to the ground and about to land face down, you may start to regret but in your mind and in your heart, you know it well that all these is too late to restart.

The Hate Mail

Well here comes revolution
When I start to go against the constitution
And now I am so pissed I feel like kicking some people into prostitution.

There are whores around acting like they control the whole
What they don't see is what goes on because they don't look into the hole
All they see is just the whole
And this is making me tear up all big and small fucking holes.

What I have now seen
Have slowly make me become mean
I don't ever want to give anymore hint
Because you've all turn me into this me.

You gonna find this inhumane me
Tearing up upon me through these fucking skins
And now the small little decent me
Is just what you gonna miss
Because it is hiden beneath all the sins
And yes all the sins that I may soon commit.

I might be on a spree to go around rampaging
When people try to throw fucked up shit at me
I stop getting pissed
Instead I keep all up and wait for my chance to get crazy
Because on that day these fuckers gonna know what revolution means.

Time shall reveal everything
So please be patient and wait for the revelation.

Beautiful - Eminem

I'm just so fuckin' depressed
I just can seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump
I took my bruises, took my lumps
Fell down and I got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched back up
In order for me to pick that mic back up
I don't know how or, why or when,I ended up in this position
I'm inI starting to feel distant again
So I decided just to pick this pen
Up and tried to make an attempt to vent
But I just can't admit
Or come to grips, with the fact that
I may be done with rap
I need a new outlet
I know some shits so hard to swallow
And I just can't sit back and wallowIn my own sorrow
But I know one fact
I'll be one tough act to follow
One tough act to follow
I'll be one tough act to follow
Here today, gone tomorrow
But you have to walk a thousand miles

Chorus

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what It'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others mind
Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each others eyes
But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked.
Just stay true to you

I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor
Everything is so tense and gloom
I almost feel like I gotta check the temperature in the room
Just as soon as I walk inIt's like all eyes on me
So I try to avoid any eye contact
Cause if I do that then it opens a door to conversation
Like I want that...I'm not looking for extra attention
I just want to be just like you
Blend in with the rest of the room
Maybe just point me to the closest restroom
I don't need no fucking man servant
Tryna follow me around, and wipe my ass
Laugh at every single joke I crack
And half of them ain't even funny like
Haa! Marshall, you're so funny man, you should be a comedian, god damn
Unfortunately I am, I just hide behind the tears of a clown
So why don't you all sit down
Listen to the tale I'm about to tell
Hell, we don't have to trade our shoes
And you don't have to walk no thousand miles

Chorus

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
All be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what It'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others mind
Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each others eyes
But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you so
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you

Nobody asked for life to deal us
With these bullshit hands we're dealt
We gotta take these cards ourselves
And flip them, don't expect no help
Now I could have either just
Sat on my ass and pissed and moaned
But take this situation in which I'm placed in
And get up and get my ownI was never the type of kid
To wait by the door and pack his bags
Or sat on the porch and hoped and pray
For a dad to show up who never did
I just wanted to fit inIn every single place
Every school I wentI dreamed of being that cool kid
Even if it meant acting stupid
Aunt Edna always told me
Keep making that face it'll stuck like that
Meanwhile I'm just standing there
Holding my tongue trying to talk like this
Till I stuck my tongue on that frozen stop sign poll at 8 years old
I learned my lesson then cause I wasn't tryin to impress my friends no more
But I already told you my whole life story
Not just based on my description
Cause where you see it from where you're sitting
Is probably 110% different
I guess we would have to walk a mile
In each others shoes, at least
What size you where?
I wear tens
Let's see if you can fit your feet

Chorus

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
All be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what It'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others mind
Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each others eyes
But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you so
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you

Maybe what you're seeing is a phantom me.

I sit on my porch and think,
Thinking about how I used to be.
I can never learn from my mistakes I guess,
Or maybe I do sometimes but things ain't right this time.

Maybe I was born a rebel,
Maybe that's what I really am.
I dun like people telling me what to do and controlling me like a puppet,
Because I only wish for a life by my own.
A pull at times are appreciated but not when people just keep screwing with you.

Hard cold facts came down hard,
And I mean hard enough to smash you apart.

Now I'm frustrated and shit,
My temper is getting the better of me.
I feel it's impossible for me to talk to anyone with peace now.
Because I lack of peace myself now,
And I'm really so damn pissed.

I tell myself to study,
And I end up playing.
I can't see myself studying,
Because I myself am not a motivational thing.

I try to find joy today in doing things.
But things just don't go well today for me.
Maybe declination and depressing times are setting in,
I guess I have no choice but to let it be.

I am still bored.

As I lay back and rest,
I feel the weight get heavier on my chest.
I tried to do my very best,
And now I feel like thrash.

Reason why I tried to be high as I can,
Is coz the feeling is like drugs that let me feel best.

I don't wanna carry on no more because I think I'm not in the mood to.
Anyways I think I shall leave everything to end here and I officially take my leave.
And maybe I will never be what I was in the past coz I changed my dream.

Really bored the fuck out.

I tried to say goodbye,
But I got no reply.
I wonder if one day I die,
Who will really cry.

Now that I had a stitch,
Due to my heart that had a glitch,
I got myself a brand new creed,
That I never get knocked down over by another bitch.

Because now I have realised that much,
What he said about sluts,
Now the words are starting to act up.

I never believed those statements,
But I guess now I've no choice but to.
Though I know I still can't get over you.

070809

Too many things happened,
Too little that I remembered.
I really forgot. And I dunno if I want to recall.
Argh. I dunno what's with me now.

Wow.

Well, today's the whatever public performance. Not sure and don't care. Met GQ, Cedric, Elaine, Sherye and Zhe Ching for lunch first. Wanted to eat at lot one but dunno where. So went down causeway point and had burger king. Burger King suck. Yeah. Big time. Then finished, walked to Republic Poly, following others. Waste time there then went in auditorium. Watched the performance, played psp, messaged, left. Then slowly walked to causeway point for dinner. Went to pizza hut. LOL. Nothing much to say. Only that Cedric is a crazy kid. This is what he did to his pizza:


I would call this Cheese Pizza because the amount of cheese is pure crazy and I know it looks gross. Anyway, he also added so much pepper into my soup until it literally crystalized. Okay. Done with my post. Bye.

Physics

Well, for starters I know I'm suppossed to be sleeping.
But physics really got the best of me.
For now I am thinking
Waves, amplitudes and frequency.

I don't get all these,
No not at the least bit.
Why are we made to study all these?

Now that my eyes are blurred
My mind is not clear,
And I talk with a slight slur,
I think there's really no point resuming anymore.

Doing all these confuses me.
All the effort and energy
Just go in and out of me.
And they move like so freely.

From electricity to light.
And now we have waves.
I don't get what the teacher had gave.

Her notes are difficult to comprehend,
Her notes are difficult to understand.
I just see them like hierogylphics,
And they see me just like terrorists.

I walk into class everyday, prepared for bombs to be dropped on me.
By the teachers or whoever, just so be it.
But what I'm not prepared for most,
Is the sudden change of preach.

I need time to absorb
I need time to digest.
I don't think we've enough time
Because everything is just plain pressed.

I'm like a time bomb,
Sounding like a alarm clock,
But deep down ready to explode,
Giving everyone a hell out of me.

They say that we have to relax,
But I don't see the time for it.
Not that there isn't a right time for it,
Just that there isn't enough time for this.

I wish to just go to sleep,
But physics just keep reappearing to me.
All the symbols and equations.
Formulas and units,
Just keep appearing when I try to get to sleep.

My blister,

Having nothing to do, i went to cut open my blister. This is what I got. :

See it? There somehow was a cut in the blister and so it was bleeding inside. It turned totally black and i went to cut open it. And yes. There's the blood clot over there. :D nice picture?

I'm back.

Okay people. I'm back. And yeah. Had been busy the past few days/weeks as you can see from the lack of post. And yes. I'm currently with a headache and giddiness and god knows where it came from. Well. Whatever. I give a damn no more. Keeping everything short and simple coz I still got things on my neck that needs to be done. And yeah. Will be posting when I have the time. One more thing. I sort of like the science centre CIP.

I'm back.

Argh.

Okay. Imma get it straight set it straight.
I don't think I have any better platforms to express myself as of now already.
I really am feeling very lost, very confused, in my chamber of thoughts, feelings and I don't know what else.
I don't know how can things escalate or maybe evolve into this stage and I'm seriously questioning.
I think I killed myself. I as in my soul. The happy soul and the cheerful one. The playful one and the cheeky one.
I see myself taking sleeping pills, Valium down the road and I really don't want to get into rehab because of that.
Look. I have outlooks in life but seriously, what do all this really mean? Outlooks in life are totally worthless.
You see people smiling and giving you angelic faces in front of you, and talks bad about you just as you turn away and the devil pops out of them.
This is crazy and right now I'm feeling depressed.
I don't know what went wrong and what state of a mind am I in right now and I don't know which screw came loose.
I don't give a damn about comments now. Yes, not anymore. People can talk rubbish, bullshit, nonsense or what have you right in my face. Yes do it this way but I don't give a god damn fuck.
Say it behind me and you're a despicable piece of rat.
I don't know what's wrong with me actually saying all these things. You may think I'm just trying to get people read my blog and maybe some say I'm trying to act cool but I say fuck you.
I am dead serious and shit. I don't want to type no more.

I dunno

I wonder if I made the right choice this time round.
I wonder if it's good for me to put it all down.
I wonder if this is a good decision made by me.
I wonder if this shit pile of load on my back will be shifted after this.

Maybe it can help me concentrate better.
Maybe it can help me relax better.
Maybe it can help me live life happier.
Maybe it can help me think better.
Maybe it can help me to be more logical.
Maybe it can wake me up to my senses.

From two days ago when I decided.
I was cool and sure that this was what I wanted.
But now thinking back to this matter,
Sometimes I really doubt my choices.

Something in my brain is telling me to.
Something in my heart is telling me not.
I don't know which to follow.
I don't know which is hollow.

I guess I'll just follow my soul.
And leave it all to fate.

3rd

I feels that no one knows me.
Well, maybe just not anyone from my family.
I sort of hate my mum as of now. Period.
Yes. I do dislike her and maybe hate's too strong a word.
I don't see I call myself her son or maybe she calls me her son.
Because I don't think one who don't know his children well should be his parents.
Well both my parents don't know me well and that's for starters.
They don't know my likes, don't know my dislikes.
They know less than half of what I'm doing and they don't bother to find out more.
I don't see why they can be my parents and yes. I know I've two sisters before me but fuck it.
I always get the scoldings no matter what I do.
No one helps me, no one knows what justice.
I feel like this is a broken home.
Not because of any relationship problems, just that I find it hard to communicate within.
Now secondly, these shitheads are getting unreasonable.
Just because I'm raised by them and live off them, I simply got to listen to every single fucking thing they say.
They say I use too much of the desktop but hey I'm trying to work.
They only happen to walk by when I'm chilling and they say I'm gaming.
They don't see things I do and thus think that I didn't do the things they wanted me or thought I should do.
They think that I'm very relaxed, they think I'm easy.
They don't know that I'm often tensed up, nervous, in a shell.
But they do feel they know their son well.
I guess fuck it. In my heart, my parents are dead and what I talk to are just wax figures.