The Hate Mail

Well here comes revolution
When I start to go against the constitution
And now I am so pissed I feel like kicking some people into prostitution.

There are whores around acting like they control the whole
What they don't see is what goes on because they don't look into the hole
All they see is just the whole
And this is making me tear up all big and small fucking holes.

What I have now seen
Have slowly make me become mean
I don't ever want to give anymore hint
Because you've all turn me into this me.

You gonna find this inhumane me
Tearing up upon me through these fucking skins
And now the small little decent me
Is just what you gonna miss
Because it is hiden beneath all the sins
And yes all the sins that I may soon commit.

I might be on a spree to go around rampaging
When people try to throw fucked up shit at me
I stop getting pissed
Instead I keep all up and wait for my chance to get crazy
Because on that day these fuckers gonna know what revolution means.

Time shall reveal everything
So please be patient and wait for the revelation.

Beautiful - Eminem

I'm just so fuckin' depressed
I just can seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump
I took my bruises, took my lumps
Fell down and I got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched back up
In order for me to pick that mic back up
I don't know how or, why or when,I ended up in this position
I'm inI starting to feel distant again
So I decided just to pick this pen
Up and tried to make an attempt to vent
But I just can't admit
Or come to grips, with the fact that
I may be done with rap
I need a new outlet
I know some shits so hard to swallow
And I just can't sit back and wallowIn my own sorrow
But I know one fact
I'll be one tough act to follow
One tough act to follow
I'll be one tough act to follow
Here today, gone tomorrow
But you have to walk a thousand miles

Chorus

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what It'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others mind
Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each others eyes
But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked.
Just stay true to you

I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor
Everything is so tense and gloom
I almost feel like I gotta check the temperature in the room
Just as soon as I walk inIt's like all eyes on me
So I try to avoid any eye contact
Cause if I do that then it opens a door to conversation
Like I want that...I'm not looking for extra attention
I just want to be just like you
Blend in with the rest of the room
Maybe just point me to the closest restroom
I don't need no fucking man servant
Tryna follow me around, and wipe my ass
Laugh at every single joke I crack
And half of them ain't even funny like
Haa! Marshall, you're so funny man, you should be a comedian, god damn
Unfortunately I am, I just hide behind the tears of a clown
So why don't you all sit down
Listen to the tale I'm about to tell
Hell, we don't have to trade our shoes
And you don't have to walk no thousand miles

Chorus

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
All be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what It'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others mind
Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each others eyes
But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you so
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you

Nobody asked for life to deal us
With these bullshit hands we're dealt
We gotta take these cards ourselves
And flip them, don't expect no help
Now I could have either just
Sat on my ass and pissed and moaned
But take this situation in which I'm placed in
And get up and get my ownI was never the type of kid
To wait by the door and pack his bags
Or sat on the porch and hoped and pray
For a dad to show up who never did
I just wanted to fit inIn every single place
Every school I wentI dreamed of being that cool kid
Even if it meant acting stupid
Aunt Edna always told me
Keep making that face it'll stuck like that
Meanwhile I'm just standing there
Holding my tongue trying to talk like this
Till I stuck my tongue on that frozen stop sign poll at 8 years old
I learned my lesson then cause I wasn't tryin to impress my friends no more
But I already told you my whole life story
Not just based on my description
Cause where you see it from where you're sitting
Is probably 110% different
I guess we would have to walk a mile
In each others shoes, at least
What size you where?
I wear tens
Let's see if you can fit your feet

Chorus

In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
All be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what It'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each others mind
Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each others eyes
But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you so
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you

Maybe what you're seeing is a phantom me.

I sit on my porch and think,
Thinking about how I used to be.
I can never learn from my mistakes I guess,
Or maybe I do sometimes but things ain't right this time.

Maybe I was born a rebel,
Maybe that's what I really am.
I dun like people telling me what to do and controlling me like a puppet,
Because I only wish for a life by my own.
A pull at times are appreciated but not when people just keep screwing with you.

Hard cold facts came down hard,
And I mean hard enough to smash you apart.

Now I'm frustrated and shit,
My temper is getting the better of me.
I feel it's impossible for me to talk to anyone with peace now.
Because I lack of peace myself now,
And I'm really so damn pissed.

I tell myself to study,
And I end up playing.
I can't see myself studying,
Because I myself am not a motivational thing.

I try to find joy today in doing things.
But things just don't go well today for me.
Maybe declination and depressing times are setting in,
I guess I have no choice but to let it be.

I am still bored.

As I lay back and rest,
I feel the weight get heavier on my chest.
I tried to do my very best,
And now I feel like thrash.

Reason why I tried to be high as I can,
Is coz the feeling is like drugs that let me feel best.

I don't wanna carry on no more because I think I'm not in the mood to.
Anyways I think I shall leave everything to end here and I officially take my leave.
And maybe I will never be what I was in the past coz I changed my dream.

Really bored the fuck out.

I tried to say goodbye,
But I got no reply.
I wonder if one day I die,
Who will really cry.

Now that I had a stitch,
Due to my heart that had a glitch,
I got myself a brand new creed,
That I never get knocked down over by another bitch.

Because now I have realised that much,
What he said about sluts,
Now the words are starting to act up.

I never believed those statements,
But I guess now I've no choice but to.
Though I know I still can't get over you.

070809

Too many things happened,
Too little that I remembered.
I really forgot. And I dunno if I want to recall.
Argh. I dunno what's with me now.

Wow.

Well, today's the whatever public performance. Not sure and don't care. Met GQ, Cedric, Elaine, Sherye and Zhe Ching for lunch first. Wanted to eat at lot one but dunno where. So went down causeway point and had burger king. Burger King suck. Yeah. Big time. Then finished, walked to Republic Poly, following others. Waste time there then went in auditorium. Watched the performance, played psp, messaged, left. Then slowly walked to causeway point for dinner. Went to pizza hut. LOL. Nothing much to say. Only that Cedric is a crazy kid. This is what he did to his pizza:


I would call this Cheese Pizza because the amount of cheese is pure crazy and I know it looks gross. Anyway, he also added so much pepper into my soup until it literally crystalized. Okay. Done with my post. Bye.

Physics

Well, for starters I know I'm suppossed to be sleeping.
But physics really got the best of me.
For now I am thinking
Waves, amplitudes and frequency.

I don't get all these,
No not at the least bit.
Why are we made to study all these?

Now that my eyes are blurred
My mind is not clear,
And I talk with a slight slur,
I think there's really no point resuming anymore.

Doing all these confuses me.
All the effort and energy
Just go in and out of me.
And they move like so freely.

From electricity to light.
And now we have waves.
I don't get what the teacher had gave.

Her notes are difficult to comprehend,
Her notes are difficult to understand.
I just see them like hierogylphics,
And they see me just like terrorists.

I walk into class everyday, prepared for bombs to be dropped on me.
By the teachers or whoever, just so be it.
But what I'm not prepared for most,
Is the sudden change of preach.

I need time to absorb
I need time to digest.
I don't think we've enough time
Because everything is just plain pressed.

I'm like a time bomb,
Sounding like a alarm clock,
But deep down ready to explode,
Giving everyone a hell out of me.

They say that we have to relax,
But I don't see the time for it.
Not that there isn't a right time for it,
Just that there isn't enough time for this.

I wish to just go to sleep,
But physics just keep reappearing to me.
All the symbols and equations.
Formulas and units,
Just keep appearing when I try to get to sleep.

My blister,

Having nothing to do, i went to cut open my blister. This is what I got. :

See it? There somehow was a cut in the blister and so it was bleeding inside. It turned totally black and i went to cut open it. And yes. There's the blood clot over there. :D nice picture?

I'm back.

Okay people. I'm back. And yeah. Had been busy the past few days/weeks as you can see from the lack of post. And yes. I'm currently with a headache and giddiness and god knows where it came from. Well. Whatever. I give a damn no more. Keeping everything short and simple coz I still got things on my neck that needs to be done. And yeah. Will be posting when I have the time. One more thing. I sort of like the science centre CIP.

I'm back.

Argh.

Okay. Imma get it straight set it straight.
I don't think I have any better platforms to express myself as of now already.
I really am feeling very lost, very confused, in my chamber of thoughts, feelings and I don't know what else.
I don't know how can things escalate or maybe evolve into this stage and I'm seriously questioning.
I think I killed myself. I as in my soul. The happy soul and the cheerful one. The playful one and the cheeky one.
I see myself taking sleeping pills, Valium down the road and I really don't want to get into rehab because of that.
Look. I have outlooks in life but seriously, what do all this really mean? Outlooks in life are totally worthless.
You see people smiling and giving you angelic faces in front of you, and talks bad about you just as you turn away and the devil pops out of them.
This is crazy and right now I'm feeling depressed.
I don't know what went wrong and what state of a mind am I in right now and I don't know which screw came loose.
I don't give a damn about comments now. Yes, not anymore. People can talk rubbish, bullshit, nonsense or what have you right in my face. Yes do it this way but I don't give a god damn fuck.
Say it behind me and you're a despicable piece of rat.
I don't know what's wrong with me actually saying all these things. You may think I'm just trying to get people read my blog and maybe some say I'm trying to act cool but I say fuck you.
I am dead serious and shit. I don't want to type no more.

I dunno

I wonder if I made the right choice this time round.
I wonder if it's good for me to put it all down.
I wonder if this is a good decision made by me.
I wonder if this shit pile of load on my back will be shifted after this.

Maybe it can help me concentrate better.
Maybe it can help me relax better.
Maybe it can help me live life happier.
Maybe it can help me think better.
Maybe it can help me to be more logical.
Maybe it can wake me up to my senses.

From two days ago when I decided.
I was cool and sure that this was what I wanted.
But now thinking back to this matter,
Sometimes I really doubt my choices.

Something in my brain is telling me to.
Something in my heart is telling me not.
I don't know which to follow.
I don't know which is hollow.

I guess I'll just follow my soul.
And leave it all to fate.

3rd

I feels that no one knows me.
Well, maybe just not anyone from my family.
I sort of hate my mum as of now. Period.
Yes. I do dislike her and maybe hate's too strong a word.
I don't see I call myself her son or maybe she calls me her son.
Because I don't think one who don't know his children well should be his parents.
Well both my parents don't know me well and that's for starters.
They don't know my likes, don't know my dislikes.
They know less than half of what I'm doing and they don't bother to find out more.
I don't see why they can be my parents and yes. I know I've two sisters before me but fuck it.
I always get the scoldings no matter what I do.
No one helps me, no one knows what justice.
I feel like this is a broken home.
Not because of any relationship problems, just that I find it hard to communicate within.
Now secondly, these shitheads are getting unreasonable.
Just because I'm raised by them and live off them, I simply got to listen to every single fucking thing they say.
They say I use too much of the desktop but hey I'm trying to work.
They only happen to walk by when I'm chilling and they say I'm gaming.
They don't see things I do and thus think that I didn't do the things they wanted me or thought I should do.
They think that I'm very relaxed, they think I'm easy.
They don't know that I'm often tensed up, nervous, in a shell.
But they do feel they know their son well.
I guess fuck it. In my heart, my parents are dead and what I talk to are just wax figures.

2nd

Looks like I can't finish my chinese by today. I haven't even started and it's like 5pm now already. I'm feeling pretty messed up now and gosh. I've totally no damn bloody mood to write a chinese word. Suddenly I see myself on the verge of giving up already but no. I shall not let myself down already. Not anymore. Xin An. Quick get started and pick yourself up. These words are just that to fuck you up. You gotta move on and perform. No matter what might be going on in your oh so shitty mind.

I'm on the rocks

Alright. Few things happened since I last posted something that is more readable, in other words, about my life. Let's start with hmm. Let's see. Friday. Meet the Parents session first. It was fine for me but knowing my results, it was disastrous. I haven't met the requirements and I guess it's all due to me not really putting in effort. Holidays now is more of a Stay-Home-Self-Study kind of programme to me because I seriously think that 16th in class and 75th in cohort is really not very good for me. For starters, I'm going to aim high now. The higher I aim, I guess, the better results I would get. Of course. Nothing happens if I just sit and wait. For a record, I've started on my revision and stuffs. Now. Let's see. The weekends was quite wasted. Saturday went down to Kinokuniya and bought some books. And yes. No mistakes. I've now decided to pick up reading. B4 in English is seriously, how would I put it? Too low for me. After Kinokuniya, went to M'sia for my grandma's b'dae and stuffs like that. Oh yes. For once, I crashed into a wall and I swear that that is so damn bloody embarrassing. Yes. Went home Sunday evening and reached home around 11pm. If I haven't remembered wrongly, I comp-ed all the way till 1 plus and slept at 2. Monday wasn't very eventful after all. Just another day that would just come and go. Tuesday. Crystal Growing Workshop in the morning. Theory was boring, didn't get the person half the time. Practical was fine and easy. Finished the filtering and went off to Lot One. Walked around because of the time and library wasn't opened yet. Went up to the library at 11+ and all the seats were taken. Sat on the floor near the window and actually planned to do some serious business. Literature, Maths projects and stuff. But everyone was just in their own world and did nothing about the projects. After that went to Food Junction, lunch-ed and went home. Comp-ed, homework-ed and all that usual stuffs I would do. Shit. Now I'm feeling that my giddy spells are back.

Homework checklist

1)English Compo

2) English EW

3) Reading of English Storybook

4)Heymath Benchmark 1

5) Heymath Benchmark 2

6) Maths TB questions

7) Lit project - 2 poems pending approval from group members

8) Physics - Homework not yet uploaded on litespeed

9) Chemistry - Science Research Project

10) Chinese Book Stuff

11) Chinese Newspaper Cutting

12) Chinese Newspaper Report

Guess I'll finish 10, 11 and 12 today:D

I'm hot on my head

Home is making me unwelcomed.
Going home everyday is starting to make me feel dumb.
Although my heart's starting to be numb.
But I really don't like feeling this dung.

I go home everyday and sit on the porch.
I go home everyday and there's no one on the porch.
I go home everyday and there's no one for me to have a good talk.

Even if anyone is home.
It just feels as if.
No one is home because.
We don't really talk.
It's starting to make me feel strange.
It's really becoming a bore.
Even when we talk.
It don't last for long.
Less than 100 lines a day.
I can only find pleasure in my earphones.

I feel like a stranger of my house.
I feel no sense of belonging.
I don't like coming home everyday after school.
After my events.

Come to think about myself.
I think after I've been thinking thru for quite some time.
I've resoluted and I think I'd really thought and reflected a lot already.
Now I'm feeling relaxed because I've decided to stop pursuing some things.
These things looks so uncatchable and so I'll stop and give myself peace.
Ain't revealing what I'm referring to because I just love to see you guess look at the mystery.

Here it comes.

The day is here.
It's here for a good cause.
I'm no longer going to fool.
I'm going to go for the best.
I'm going to work all the way.
Nobody's every going to be stopping me.
I must do my best. I'm in for a change.
Here's the revolution.

Hi world

Okay. See my title.
Greet me back.
I'm feeling a lot happy,
Not a bit sad.


I dunno why, I dunno how.
Yeah. How on Earth I feel.
Feel what I'm actually feeling now.

I think God gave me this gift.
This gift of feeling happy.
Feeling happy of a gift.
Nah I dunno what I'm blabbering.

God made me happy and Imma cherish.
Cherish it and not let anyone take it.
No one's taking it unless I'm giving it.
Giving it to someone I think who needs it.
Who needs it refers to people.
People feeling a little bit upset.
A little bit upset, also known as unhappy.

I lost track of what I was saying.
Saying of what I had and what I want to have.
I'm seriously feeling like so good and kind hearted.
Tell me, tell me.
Ain't I an angel, ain't I a fairy?
God now it tells me I'm actually feeling like flying:D

Blah

I'm seriously damn bloody bored now. I dunno why. Maybe it's quite wrong of a choice to not go for camp even if I'm sick. Damn bored now. Nothing much to do at 1430 of the day, just like any other day. I think I will be calling some random people out to do crazy stuffs dun care if I'm sick. Things are getting unpredictable. The tables have turned. Now having some quiet time by myself, I sit back and think. I consider some people as my closest, but somehow their actions seems to be telling me they're not worth my care afterall. I tried to treat them well but they want to screw me up and over. I never want to hurt no one but they want to step on my toes. Maybe that's their way of treating people well, but well, we never know them too well. Life's a mystery, life's a puzzle, but what can we do? What we can do is to sit back and wait and what we can't do is to live life as if we are all oh so paranoid. I'm going out later to play basketball. Provided my friend is free. Well, I just can't keep my ass at home coz it's such a bore. Okay. I'm starting to feel giddy already like again. Damn it. Will this stop? It's as if I took valium, xanax or ganja. Someone out there help me. Thank you.