Shit never stops

So right here right now shit just ended but more shit is coming the way.
I can't handle them the way I used to and I try to run away.
This shouldn't be my case, I'm not gonna get repaid,
Tell me how should I go forth and work in my pace.

Madness is driven in me,
Going like a symphony,
Need my dose of caffe-ine,
Gotta make sure I make it right and quick.

I don't know what's been up with me,
Since the day it happened to me.
Just leave me and let me hurt in my misery,
For you ain't gonna see me cry like this.

Urgh

Now in this state of mind
I just don't feel right
Nothing goes into my mind
And I really don't get what I just typed

I've been putting up with shit,
Fatigue's catching up with me.
I'm tired inside out,
Mentally physically,
Just wanna tear my hair out.

What passed was a holiday,
No it wasn't coz I didn't enjoy and rest a day.
I didn't manage to recharge, recuperate.
How the fuck am I suppose to operate?

Never dealt with such shit before,
Everything just comes to me like never before.
I give a mask like I'm fine,
Deep down inside I know I might die.

I tell myself I'm tough I'm rough,
Maybe I've always been cheating myself.
Gone with the days are those happy moments.
Come now is the days with crazy schedules.

I find myself trapped in a mad rush, a mud rush.
I'm struggling and I keep sinking and I can't get myself on my feet.
I know I gotta pick myself up fast and quick,
But I never be able to do it quick and swift and the demons come and beat me down on my knees.

I need help I can't breath.
Trapped in these reflections all I see is a destructed me.
I find it hard but I know I gotta fight this.
So I put my hands together and wish.

Everyone

Well, what am I doing here? I should be studying/doing my holiday homework because after today, I doubt I will have time for them anymore. Everyone have their own problems in life, that stops them, ultimately, to reach their goal. For me, I guess my biggest problems are laziness and procratination. But everyone have these in them isn't it? I don't get it but somehow or another. I always want but fail to start on something. Sometimes, this just kills me and I feel guilty. The funny thing is that, I never learn. I want that drive back, that drive in me last time, in the past, when I could just finish all my work easily and quickly without having to deal with distractions, e.g. TV, computer and my handphone. I tell myself I'll get off my comp to concentrate on my homework, end up I catch myself surfing on my handphone. Sort of dumb of me actually. I wanna downgrade my phone. Well I guess, that's all my rantings about.

Mount Ophir next week, followed by 3 days rest, and off to OBS. My holiday is screwed.

Well,

請告訴她 我不愛她
笑著難過 自我懲罰
想終止這 一切掙扎
橫了心說真心謊話
別告訴她 我還想她
恨總比愛容易放下
當淚水堵住了胸口
就讓沉默 代替所有回答

-我還想她, 林俊傑

Hmm.

I know no one comes to my blog.
I know you won't see this.
Just to let you know,
I still love you.

The sudden urge to post.

The first quarter of 2010 is basically almost over and I think I screwed up this part.
Academically, Co-Curricular Activities and Human Relationships.
Just what the heck is wrong with me.
I can't do things right, can't get things clear.
Something's simple and I make it complicated.

A lil fucked up now, a lil sleepy.
A lil tired about life that I lead,
A lil worried about future that looks so dim.

I can't remember things,
I flare up easily.
I never thought things got this bad,
I guess I was never prepared.

I know no one read this crap,
But who gives a heck?

Talk about health and I'm pretty screwed up.
My knee ain't going as it should be.
I sometimes can hardly breath.
My chest feels so tight at times,
I thought I'd really die.

You say I'm ranting, you say I'm whining.
Say all you want coz' that's what I really wanna do.
I flunked my common test and I'm not over it when I should be.
I know I've to pick myself up and try harder, study harder, work harder, learn harder.
But try being in my shoes and see how it feels.

Abrupt ending y'all might say.
What's above is all that I gotta say.
Good bye.

No more.

No one comes. I will be closing this soon. In maybe 2 weeks time. Goodbye.

Wtf?

Just what the fuck is wrong with me now? I used to be undaunted by challenges. Now I'm succumbing to one more subject with stress. Shit. I need to prepare myself better.

Thank you.

This post is done while I'm still halfway through my 剪报. I was really sick of it and chanced upon Kang Jie's blog with a whole chunk of 'Thank You' and so I got suddenly motivated to start this post.

Well, so I must say, 2009 went pretty fast, faster than previous years. Things are sorta a lil too fast for me to catch and I guess I really regret procrastinating stuffs that led me to the current state of my studies. I guess I haven't been studying well this year and I'm perhaps having problems coping, but still, I wanna try to hold on and pull through. Guess I should start working hard now. There's really a whole list of people I wanna thank and I think if i'm going to list them all out, this post would never be finished. So maybe I would just thank the few more important people be it if they will be reading this or not.

So here goes:

To Mum and Dad. I know I haven't been really obedient and I'm a badass son for the past few years ever since I entered my teenage years. You guys put up so much with me and disciplined me so much. I admit I was in the wrong sometimes and thank you for pointing out my mistakes and for the disciplinary actions taken out against me but sometimes I really do feel wrong. I don't want to continue here as this is a thank you post but not a complain letter. I know you will not be reading this but still, thank you so much.

To Sisters. Yeah. The two of you probably won't know about my blog also but who cares. Thank you so much for helping me through times that I was fucked up and stuff and also thank you for the fights that kept me entertained when I was bored. I know this sounds sadistic but it's true(:

To the teachers. Thank you so much for guiding me through my studies, clearing my doubts at times, but frankly, sometimes I sorta hate you guys for throwing bullshit at us. I know you all will not be reading this too but still, thanks for all the work, scoldings and punishments that made us really grew up.

To Cedric. I know you'll also not be reading this, most probably I guess, but thanks so much for the times you had put up with me when I was down and pissed and especially when I picked fights with you. Looking back, those were just a whole lot of childish and immature acts that really shouldn't have happened and I shouldn't have experimented. Thank you so much for trying to cheer me up when I was down, giving me advice when I was lost and also the time that you spent hanging out with me. I miss those times when CCA stood down and we would go to Lot One almost every other day after school for lunch. I miss those ice fights and really cool talks that we had. Thank you so much for those.

To Celeste. My table partner for half a year I guess. Well, a pretty funny and crappy time for that half year. Lots of things happened I guess and thanks for putting up with me at times when I was down and I would grumble/complain. You're a good friend for the past 1 year plus which I think would be hitting 2. Thanks for all the chats we had, be it on msn, SMS or on the phone late at night. Those times would never be forgotten I guess.

To Weiixen. My table partner for the other half of the year. YOU ARE A JOKER. A big one. Your crazy/funny antics really is very funny. I know you're also probably not reading this too. But you're really one big smartass. Thanks so much for helping with the work I don't know how to do and also guiding me through things I wasn't sure of. And most importantly, thank you so much for keeping me awake with your super lame and cold jokes that made me laugh so hard and giggle. But somehow, our seats wasn't changed. Cool times eh? Thank you(:

To the friends I made this year. Yeah. Quite a lot to list down for I don't know what reason. Haha. Thanks so much for being my new friend(: Talking to me. Chatting, keeping me entertained and perhaps sharing those uber cool videos on youtubes and jokes(: Thanks so much.

To the everyone else. Thank you for walking with me if you had, for every single little things that we had done together. Thank you.

To everyone who trusted me. I thank you sincerely, from the bottom of my heart. Thanks for putting your trust on me. I know it's difficult to trust people so thank you so much. Thanks.

To myself. Yeah. I think I gotta thank myself too. Thank you for growing up and learning new things. Thank you for all the things I bought for myself. Thanks so much. And good job for handling all the bullshit thrown to me, for enduring with things that I used to not be able to put up with. Thanks.

Yeah. I guess that's about it. Well, I'm sorry if your name is not specifically mentioned here but there's really too much. I'm sorry and thank you. Good luck for the year ahead and stay in the pink of health, people(: Merry Christmas and a very early Happy New Year. :D

I feel like diss-ing someone. I don't know who. -.-

This post gon' be random,
For I not know who the target is,
For I not know how I wanna go about this diss.


This is for no-
One, just guns pointing anyone.
No wait I just thought of someone.

Frankly I tell now I'm stressed.
I'm pissed, I feel my fist.
I've had enough of this.

Why you wanna live with all those avoidance.
I see them all as hypocrisy.
Why you make me tell someone something-
Which never ever mattered much to me?
Why you make me feel so caught up between?
Don't you have a lil' bit of sympathy?
Why is it always me that have to clear all this shit?
Is it you making use of me?
How did I succeed in putting up with all these?
I don't know how to handle things-
Thinks people all around,
Go all around making me like a badass all time round.
And when I try to empty my heart out here, I hear voices saying that I'm loud-
Pow. Knock out. There goes Xin An down and out. Never heard, seen, felt. Coz someone just squeezed his fucking balls out.

Super Bored.

So. Avatar today. Not a bad movie. Shan't go into details. Crapped a lot. Anyway, was damn super bored until cannot bored on the MRT back. So started to look at the notices and I took three and below I'm going to tell you why.1)

How do we alight when we have to keep clear of the doors??

2)

We can't put our hand on the sliding door. When the door is sliding, how can we rest our hands on it? The door would just slide off.

3)

Tell me what the train runs on.

Okay. I know I'm SUPER but hey. I WAS SUPER BORED AND NOTHING BETTER TO DO KAY?!

Done posting. Bye.

For anyone out there.

I've fallen at this point whereby,
I, just fill I'm in a dark pit, total bullshit, nothing that really can explain what this it.
My mind's twirling, and I can't seem to get them in line no more.
I told myself to let go but why I feel things became so close.
I put myself on hold, told myself I ain't pro but I still have to learn how to let things roll.

I lost my mind now I feel I'm in the sky, no not high just the feeling I might die.
I don't know why and I will not cry, because I feel like downing Cyanide.
I've to pull, I cannot stop. I don't have time to think, I have to get everything up quick.
I feel like a prick now because I can't tell all these shit.

Give me a break. I'm choking because I'm hanging.

Homework

English: Compo(going to do now), The Baking Desert(Do tomorrow)
Math: Heymath test, Textbook Exercise
Chinese: 4jian baos and 1 book gan xiang (totally haven't touch the book)

Sigh

I was watching Tom and Jerry when I realized how good it is to be young and innocent as a kid, able to laugh at anything, including those stupidest every jokes..

No more.

Perhaps from now on, I'll only be posting when I'm feeling out and down, high and dry. So better hope I won't update often. But please tag more. When you can't reach me, the box there is for a reason.

Bored bored and bored.

Feeling bored recently and I don't know why.
Things have suddenly came to a stop but stopping means starting of a new beginning.
I suddenly lost track of what I was trying to go about because my mind's preoccupied with something else.
Something I kept trying to figure out but always futile.
I don't know how to continue anymore.
Good bye.

Drunk with hate, blind by wrath. It's gonna be a rough ride this time round.

I think the decision is made but why am I so fickle?
I keep telling myself that this is simple,
But I can't seem to forget and let go.

It's about time to release this,
Maybe I can feel more happiness within.
It may help me to smile more,
And not frown as much anymore.

I want to say something.
I want to convey this.
Not everything is easy,
Especially this.
I feel pain.
I feel upset.
It's not that I'm heartless,
I try to be numb,
But it don't work anymore.

I don't know what's this about anymore.
Good Night and Good Bye.

I am feeling.....

Well, maybe a lot of you dunno me well,
dunno how I felt
and dunno how I tend to dwell.

I feel crapped up enough now and things just ain't going well.
I try to sooth myself, telling me I'm better now,
But everything just ain't working well.

It sticks like glue,
Gets washed away with water,
Which proves everything just not strong.

The bond is weak, and now as I wondered if stars are what they seem.
I look up the sky and I don't understand,
Why do stars seems prettier when they're actually smaller than the moon.
How they got so bright, such that they can guide me through my lost night.

Now I ask myself, after I stared into the mirror for five whole minutes,
Maybe I am inferior,
I think I am useless.
Maybe I don't fit in,
I think this is not where I should be.

The sense of belonging is just not there for me yet,
And sometimes I feel so whacked out that I hope no one bothers me.
I try to stop myself from thinking,
But everything I stop working,
These thoughts just start to pour in.

Is this what you call depression?
Is this what depression really is?
I have no idea but to ask myself this.
Why I have to go through all these,
Putting on a mask with a fake plastic arch smile,
Then seems to bend so much that I think now I'm blind.
Maybe it's a good tool for me to cover up my frown,
Maybe it's just a good way to fool everyone around.
I am in a complete lost of what I experimenting this time.

I feel so tired now, as I feel unwell.
I feel so giddy, as my headache starts to cast a spell.
I move away from work desk, but it don't seem to help.
Maybe the only way something would work,
Is for me to call for help.

But who can really bother and pull me up?
When what I know is that only I can help myself.
I refuse helping hands because I don't want them to be futile.
I don't want to waste people's time and energy,
Just to make myself feel better.
You may think it's hypocrisy,
But truly, that's what coming from me.

Now I'm really confused,
I can't seem to think.
Perhaps it's my lethargy,
That blocks everything.
Xin An, wake up now, for you ain't gonna sleep.

Blah

I officially screwed up my English paper. Marks the destruction of the whole EOY grade. Argh.

Fuck it.

I HAVE LEARNT THAT THIS IS NOT WHERE I WANT TO BE. I'LL TAKE MY LEAVE AT A VERY OPPORTUNITY AND NOTHING IS GOING TO STOP ME. FUCK IT.