My blister,

Having nothing to do, i went to cut open my blister. This is what I got. :

See it? There somehow was a cut in the blister and so it was bleeding inside. It turned totally black and i went to cut open it. And yes. There's the blood clot over there. :D nice picture?

I'm back.

Okay people. I'm back. And yeah. Had been busy the past few days/weeks as you can see from the lack of post. And yes. I'm currently with a headache and giddiness and god knows where it came from. Well. Whatever. I give a damn no more. Keeping everything short and simple coz I still got things on my neck that needs to be done. And yeah. Will be posting when I have the time. One more thing. I sort of like the science centre CIP.

I'm back.

Argh.

Okay. Imma get it straight set it straight.
I don't think I have any better platforms to express myself as of now already.
I really am feeling very lost, very confused, in my chamber of thoughts, feelings and I don't know what else.
I don't know how can things escalate or maybe evolve into this stage and I'm seriously questioning.
I think I killed myself. I as in my soul. The happy soul and the cheerful one. The playful one and the cheeky one.
I see myself taking sleeping pills, Valium down the road and I really don't want to get into rehab because of that.
Look. I have outlooks in life but seriously, what do all this really mean? Outlooks in life are totally worthless.
You see people smiling and giving you angelic faces in front of you, and talks bad about you just as you turn away and the devil pops out of them.
This is crazy and right now I'm feeling depressed.
I don't know what went wrong and what state of a mind am I in right now and I don't know which screw came loose.
I don't give a damn about comments now. Yes, not anymore. People can talk rubbish, bullshit, nonsense or what have you right in my face. Yes do it this way but I don't give a god damn fuck.
Say it behind me and you're a despicable piece of rat.
I don't know what's wrong with me actually saying all these things. You may think I'm just trying to get people read my blog and maybe some say I'm trying to act cool but I say fuck you.
I am dead serious and shit. I don't want to type no more.

I dunno

I wonder if I made the right choice this time round.
I wonder if it's good for me to put it all down.
I wonder if this is a good decision made by me.
I wonder if this shit pile of load on my back will be shifted after this.

Maybe it can help me concentrate better.
Maybe it can help me relax better.
Maybe it can help me live life happier.
Maybe it can help me think better.
Maybe it can help me to be more logical.
Maybe it can wake me up to my senses.

From two days ago when I decided.
I was cool and sure that this was what I wanted.
But now thinking back to this matter,
Sometimes I really doubt my choices.

Something in my brain is telling me to.
Something in my heart is telling me not.
I don't know which to follow.
I don't know which is hollow.

I guess I'll just follow my soul.
And leave it all to fate.

3rd

I feels that no one knows me.
Well, maybe just not anyone from my family.
I sort of hate my mum as of now. Period.
Yes. I do dislike her and maybe hate's too strong a word.
I don't see I call myself her son or maybe she calls me her son.
Because I don't think one who don't know his children well should be his parents.
Well both my parents don't know me well and that's for starters.
They don't know my likes, don't know my dislikes.
They know less than half of what I'm doing and they don't bother to find out more.
I don't see why they can be my parents and yes. I know I've two sisters before me but fuck it.
I always get the scoldings no matter what I do.
No one helps me, no one knows what justice.
I feel like this is a broken home.
Not because of any relationship problems, just that I find it hard to communicate within.
Now secondly, these shitheads are getting unreasonable.
Just because I'm raised by them and live off them, I simply got to listen to every single fucking thing they say.
They say I use too much of the desktop but hey I'm trying to work.
They only happen to walk by when I'm chilling and they say I'm gaming.
They don't see things I do and thus think that I didn't do the things they wanted me or thought I should do.
They think that I'm very relaxed, they think I'm easy.
They don't know that I'm often tensed up, nervous, in a shell.
But they do feel they know their son well.
I guess fuck it. In my heart, my parents are dead and what I talk to are just wax figures.

2nd

Looks like I can't finish my chinese by today. I haven't even started and it's like 5pm now already. I'm feeling pretty messed up now and gosh. I've totally no damn bloody mood to write a chinese word. Suddenly I see myself on the verge of giving up already but no. I shall not let myself down already. Not anymore. Xin An. Quick get started and pick yourself up. These words are just that to fuck you up. You gotta move on and perform. No matter what might be going on in your oh so shitty mind.

I'm on the rocks

Alright. Few things happened since I last posted something that is more readable, in other words, about my life. Let's start with hmm. Let's see. Friday. Meet the Parents session first. It was fine for me but knowing my results, it was disastrous. I haven't met the requirements and I guess it's all due to me not really putting in effort. Holidays now is more of a Stay-Home-Self-Study kind of programme to me because I seriously think that 16th in class and 75th in cohort is really not very good for me. For starters, I'm going to aim high now. The higher I aim, I guess, the better results I would get. Of course. Nothing happens if I just sit and wait. For a record, I've started on my revision and stuffs. Now. Let's see. The weekends was quite wasted. Saturday went down to Kinokuniya and bought some books. And yes. No mistakes. I've now decided to pick up reading. B4 in English is seriously, how would I put it? Too low for me. After Kinokuniya, went to M'sia for my grandma's b'dae and stuffs like that. Oh yes. For once, I crashed into a wall and I swear that that is so damn bloody embarrassing. Yes. Went home Sunday evening and reached home around 11pm. If I haven't remembered wrongly, I comp-ed all the way till 1 plus and slept at 2. Monday wasn't very eventful after all. Just another day that would just come and go. Tuesday. Crystal Growing Workshop in the morning. Theory was boring, didn't get the person half the time. Practical was fine and easy. Finished the filtering and went off to Lot One. Walked around because of the time and library wasn't opened yet. Went up to the library at 11+ and all the seats were taken. Sat on the floor near the window and actually planned to do some serious business. Literature, Maths projects and stuff. But everyone was just in their own world and did nothing about the projects. After that went to Food Junction, lunch-ed and went home. Comp-ed, homework-ed and all that usual stuffs I would do. Shit. Now I'm feeling that my giddy spells are back.

Homework checklist

1)English Compo

2) English EW

3) Reading of English Storybook

4)Heymath Benchmark 1

5) Heymath Benchmark 2

6) Maths TB questions

7) Lit project - 2 poems pending approval from group members

8) Physics - Homework not yet uploaded on litespeed

9) Chemistry - Science Research Project

10) Chinese Book Stuff

11) Chinese Newspaper Cutting

12) Chinese Newspaper Report

Guess I'll finish 10, 11 and 12 today:D

I'm hot on my head

Home is making me unwelcomed.
Going home everyday is starting to make me feel dumb.
Although my heart's starting to be numb.
But I really don't like feeling this dung.

I go home everyday and sit on the porch.
I go home everyday and there's no one on the porch.
I go home everyday and there's no one for me to have a good talk.

Even if anyone is home.
It just feels as if.
No one is home because.
We don't really talk.
It's starting to make me feel strange.
It's really becoming a bore.
Even when we talk.
It don't last for long.
Less than 100 lines a day.
I can only find pleasure in my earphones.

I feel like a stranger of my house.
I feel no sense of belonging.
I don't like coming home everyday after school.
After my events.

Come to think about myself.
I think after I've been thinking thru for quite some time.
I've resoluted and I think I'd really thought and reflected a lot already.
Now I'm feeling relaxed because I've decided to stop pursuing some things.
These things looks so uncatchable and so I'll stop and give myself peace.
Ain't revealing what I'm referring to because I just love to see you guess look at the mystery.